Our Engagement Story

I've been wanting to sit down and write out our engagement story for a while now, and I should probably start with some of the background details. Alex and I have been doing the long distance thing since January when Alex moved to New Mexico, and I stayed in Florida to finish out my school year. I wouldn't trade these months apart for anything because they have strengthened our relationship in ways that I couldn't have imagined beforehand. We started talking more seriously about the future and started reading through a book called So, you want to get married? by Rick Thomas. We were having lots of conversations geared toward marriage and Alex really grew in his role as the leader of our relationship during this time. I knew that marriage was in our future, but I had no idea when or how he was actually going to ask!

On April 14, 2017, my best friend, Janice, was in town for one of our girls' weekends. Over the years, we have taken turns traveling to see each other. and it happened to be her turn to come visit me. This time was extra special though because this was the first time that she was able to bring her daughter, Charlotte, to join us for one of our girls' weekends. Janice and I have been best friends since sixth grade, and she has been such a constant in my life. I remembering us having a sleepover one night in high school when we first started dreaming about what it would be like to let God write our love stories one day. Since then we've been able to celebrate her marrying the love of her life, and more recently her becoming a momma. She has been there to encourage me in every season, and I had always secretly hoped that somehow Alex would involve her in the details whenever he proposed.

During the time that Janice was here, Alex was supposedly somewhere in southwest Texas on a land navigation field training trip. He told me that I probably wouldn't be hearing from him much while he was gone. Although I thought his trip was planned a little at the last minute, he went on field training trips like that all the time while we were dating, so I convinced myself that I was overthinking.

To make his field training trip sound even more convincing, Alex texted me at midnight to let me know he was going out on a night mission. Prior to this text, I had told Janice how strange I thought it was that they would have a training trip on Easter weekend. But, then I got these texts and I thought that there would be no way that he would be up so late texting me to check in if he wasn't really in Texas! 

Fast forward to Friday night, and Janice and I had plans to go over to my aunt and uncle's place for dinner. My aunt and uncle live right on the Bay in Fort Walton Beach, and their condo is pretty special place to me. Not only are they like a second mom and dad to me, but their place is where I first met Alex last May at a dinner party. It's so special to me that Alex had them in on the surprise, and proposed at the same place that we first met. 

Anyway, when we pulled up, my uncle met us down at the car and suggested that we go out on the dock to see Landon and Johnson who were fishing. We walked out there and made the different introductions and were making small talk. I saw someone with a hood on behind the gate, and I also remember noticing that there were white string lights on part of dock, and how it was kind of weird for those to be out still in April. Then all of a sudden, those white lights were being flipped on and the guy with the hood came walking through the gate, and it was Alex! I was in complete shock that he was there. He didn't waste any time, and dropped down on one knee and said, "Samantha Grey, will you marry me?" I was so surprised that I said "Yes!" three times. I didn't even look at my ring right away because in typical Samantha fashion, I started asking lots of questions. I was in awe that Janice and my roomies all knew about the proposal, and had kept it a secret. 

After I started to calm down, Alex pointed out my parents up in the condo balcony and showed me how he had his best friends from California watching on the Facebook Messenger video app. He had planned it all so we could celebrate with some of our family and closest friends right after it happened. I found out that the he formally asked my parents for permission to marry me back on February 1st, and that he had most of his family and friends  in on the surprise since January. His proposal far exceeded any expectations I could have ever had! 

I still stare at my hand sometimes in amazement for what this ring symbolizes!

There is also a video of the proposal here that makes me slightly embarrassed because of how distracted I was by everything until I started to calm down. But, I think it perfectly captures the joy and surprise of that moment! Gosh, I love this man and feel so privileged that I'm 62 days away from being able to call him my husband.

Engagement & Expectations

The Lord has done so much during our engagement season so far, and I don't want to miss what He is teaching me or forget the small details of how He has worked in my heart. I wrote about how I will be moving to New Mexico next month to join Alex when I first wrote about our story. He has been there since January while I have been in Florida finishing my second school year. We are just about three weeks away from kissing this whole long distance thing goodbye for a while! We will continue to live separately even once I'm in New Mexico until we are married on July 29th, so I'm excitedly counting down the days (70 days!) until we can officially start experiencing everyday life together as husband and wife.

One of the biggest things that the Lord has been teaching me is that our marriage is a total gift, BUT I can't be holding onto my expectations for it so tightly that I miss how He wants to work. When I'm relying on my expectations to bring me joy, I'm always going to be disappointed and let down. Alex called me a couple of weeks ago after I got home from school, and started the conversation off by saying, "so I have some news that I want to share with you...I got a spot to go to SOTAC school, and I'll leave mid August."

My first reaction was total surprise because this was a different team than what he was supposed to be assigned to. My second reaction was disappointment because thinking about my new husband leaving was less than desirable. I'm not proud of my initial reactions, but I want to be honest with how I felt and share my thoughts.

"Lord, this isn't fair! Other new wives get to keep their husbands home with them."
"But, why does he have to go then?? I never imagined my husband of  two weeks having to leave."
"I know being separated is part of the military, but the timing of this just sucks."

Writing some of those thoughts out makes me want to cringe for how limited my perspective was. Instead of celebrating an incredible opportunity for Alex, I let my disappointment of unmet expectations take over. I was really struggling with thinking about already being a part so much this year, and then having him leave our home once we're finally able to start our lives together. It may not seem like a big deal to more seasoned military wives, but the thought just made me ache.

Alex was very gracious with me as I worked through my emotions, and the Lord is using this to teach me about laying my expectations at His feet. Outside of my salvation, Alex is the best gift I’ve been given, and yes, our soon to be marriage is a total gift too. However, Alex and our marriage ultimately belong to the Lord. Our marriage is meant to glorify God and it’s an opportunity for us to model God’s grace and redemption to others. It isn’t something that is there to fulfill all of my needs and meet my expectations. If that’s how I enter our marriage, then I am always going to be let down.

God has a purpose for choosing to send him off for training at that particular time. What I initially see as sucky timing, the Lord sees as the BEST timing. It is an opportunity for us to grow our dependence on Him. It is an opportunity for me to learn more about how to be my new husband’s helpmate. It is an opportunity for us strengthen our communication skills and to grow our spiritual intimacy. It is as an opportunity for me to develop relationships with other girls in my new community.

It reminds me of Psalm 84:11, and a quote that I wrote in my journal years back…“I realized that because the Lord God is my provider (the sun) and my protector (a shield) and because He knows best as my Father – if something is good and right for me to have today, He would give it to me. He does not withhold any good thing. And therefore, I can trust Him.”


Even though I will never like being separated from my soon to be husband, I can trust that God’s timing for sending him off is GOOD.

Our Story #BenkoOrBust

Quite a few things have changed since I last wrote and shared anything on this small space of the internet almost three years ago. This biggest change of all has without a doubt been the introduction of this blonde hair, blue eyed California guy into my life! Throughout college, I wrote a lot about my season of singleness and waiting, but since then the Lord has started to script a new story. I was hesitant to share and even write in my own journal about it for a while. I have been hurt and disappointed in the past, and I guess there was a small piece of me that didn't want to write about this story yet for fear of being hurt again. I want to make sure that I write about our story and share how the Lord has had His hand all over it. If someone would have told me a year ago that a year later I would be getting ready to move to New Mexico, buying/renovating a house, planning a wedding for this summer, and preparing for marriage with the man I love most...I wouldn't have believed her. BUT GOD. The only way I can think to explain it is with Isaiah 43:19..."Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it. I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." 

Before I get to the night that we met, I want to make sure to include some of the background details. Alex grew up the youngest in his family of four kids in Santa Cruz, California. He spent time surfing, ski boarding, playing sports, getting involved with Boy Scouts and becoming an Eagle Scout. He worked odd jobs such as manning the local Christmas tree lot every year, and was even voted Homecoming King. He never loved the academic side of school, and after deciding that community college wasn't for him either, he joined the Air Force. The particular job that he chose to go into in would take him over two years to complete the pipeline. Over those two years, he spent time training in several different states, and settled in Florida for the last and longest portion of his training. 

While Alex was in California, I was over 2,000 miles away growing up as an only child in Tallahassee, Florida. I spent countless days swimming in our pool, riding bikes around my neighborhood, and having sleepovers with friends. I enjoyed school and academics came pretty easily to me. I never went to prom and only went to two Homecoming dances. After graduating high school, I decided to move to a small town in Tennessee to attend college where I didn't know a single person prior to moving into my dorm. Those four years shaped me and stirred my passion for teaching more than I imagined. I learned that I could move to new places, and build a life there. So much so that once I graduated I decided to move back to Florida, but to a completely different area from where I grew up. I got a job teaching third grade in the small town of Crestview, Florida, and the Lord used that year in mighty ways. No one can really prepare you for what first year teaching is like! The Lord taught me about being faithful in the small things and pressing into Him in new ways. 

At the end of my first year teaching, my aunt and uncle invited me over to have dinner at their house on a Friday night. This was a normal thing for us as I usually had dinner with them at least once or twice a month. However, this time was slightly different as they had also invited two young men from their church over for dinner. I had heard my aunt talk about the group of church guys in the Air Force over the year, but didn't think too much about it with the busyness of first year teaching. So that night I walked into their place wearing my blue floral dress and the first thing I saw was Alex sitting at the head of the table in his khaki pants, blue long sleeve t-shirt, and all black converse. I remember thinking to myself "oh my gosh! He's handsome. And so blonde!" We were introduced and managed to carry on a conversation across the table all throughout dinner. Once we finished eating, we ended up talking more out on the balcony of their condo. We realized that we were overlooking the pool when we could have been facing the Bay the entire time we talked. When we walked out together we made small talk about the weekend and our church plans, and he eventually managed to get my number with the help of his friend, Landon. I watched him ride off on his moped that night wondering what in the world I was possibly getting into. 

It turned out to be one of the sweetest summers of my life. I thought that I would get lonely and restless while being out of school, but the Lord brought so much newness into my life. Two days after meeting Alex we made plans to meet up at the beach with two of his friends. One week later I asked him if he wanted to join me and two of my friends at the beach to celebrate the end of the school year. My friends left early, and the two of us stayed for several more hours talking before he asked if I wanted to get dinner on the beach at Rockin' Tacos. Two weeks later we met for dinner at Mary's Kitchen and shared the best blueberry cheesecake ever for dessert. That night we continued to talk and danced in the parking lot by my car, and while I danced standing on his feet he leaned in to kiss me for the first time.

Throughout the summer, my respect and affection for this man grew. We had the best time together and hours would go by without us realizing it. We went shooting at the gun range. Went to the beach. Got my first tattoo (!!!) together. Played Goofy Golf and made wagers over it. Bought our favorite candy at Dollar Tree and ate it by the Bay. Set up our own photo booth. Showed him my classroom. Started going to church together. I remember driving to a 4th of July party, and him initiating the conversation about our relationship. He said, "Just so we're on the same page, I will be introducing you as my girlfriend." My heart sang!l

My second school year started, and what started as a summer crush was continuing to develop deeper roots. He asked about meeting my parents for the first time, and my dad even mentioned that he "wasn't the normal father-in-law" that night and Alex stuck around. We went on night walks at the beach. Made dinner together often. We went rock climbing and found new spots to hammock. I baked him blueberry muffins and cheesecake. We went to church together and really started to make our faith the foundation. He helped me with school work on Sundays.

In September, we had two huge conversations in the development of our relationship. On September 10th, we were driving back from playing Goofy Golf and we were playing the word association game that we liked to do a lot. We would say a word and then the other person would have to say the first word that came to mind (i.e. "Thanksgiving" -- "Turkey", "Beach" -- "Sunscreen"). It was my turn to give him words, and halfway through I said,"Sammy" and he looked over at me, and said "I love you." I remember just staring at me him because I was so surprised before I told him that I loved him too. A week later, we had another huge conversation about where our relationship was going. What I haven't mentioned much about yet is that Alex is in the Air Force, and about a month after we started dating he found out that he would be moving to New Mexico once he finished training in Florida. We didn't talk about it in depth at the time because he was going to be in Florida for seven more months before moving, and we figured we would address it once our relationship was more serious.

Well, on September 17th, we were talking about the seriousness of our relationship and Alex asked me if I would be willing to move to New Mexico in the future. When I shook my head yes, he said, "well, that's exciting to know."

During those fall months, we also learned more about how the military impacts relationships, and spent a lot of time apart. Alex would have field weeks where he would be gone from Monday until Friday, and wasn't allowed to bring his phone, so we didn't have any sort of communication. I especially loved the weekends during that time. 

December was a whirlwind month for us! Alex's best friend got married and he was the best man. I got to fly home with him to California and meet all of his friends and family for the first time. It was the sweetest getting to see where he grew up and getting to meet all of the people who loved him. One week later, his family flew to Florida for his graduation. Then we started the road trip of a lifetime together! We loaded up a Penske truck with all of his things, and we drove from Florida to New Mexico to get him moved into his new apartment. We left New Mexico and drove up to Colorado to hike Pike's Peak. We drove through Colorado, Utah, Arizona, and Nevada before making it to Santa Cruz, California on Christmas Eve. We spent Christmas with his family, and went to Yosemite before New Years with a big group of friends.

On January 3rd, we started the long distance portion of our relationship as I flew back to Florida to finish my school year, and he moved to New Mexico. I wouldn't trade these months apart for anything because they have strengthened our relationship in ways that I couldn't have imagined beforehand. We have learned more about communicating well, making Christ our foundation, appreciating the time we do get together, etc. During this time, we started talking about preparing for marriage and buying a home together. Alex really grew in his role as the leader of our relationship and made me feel so valued by the way that he was preparing for our future.

In a span of five months, we've been able to see each other in person twice. I flew to New Mexico to spend my spring break with him, and I never want to forget what it was like seeing him in person for the first time in two and a half months. I never really got butterflies when we first started dating, but I had them like crazy that day when I was waiting for him to meet me in baggage claim. When he walked up to me and pulled me in close for a hug and kissed me on the forehead, I felt like I was dreaming. I'm pretty sure I didn't stop smiling that entire first night we were back together.

Not only did that week provide the best quality time, it turned out to be extremely productive for us as well! By God's grace, I was offered a teaching position for next school year AND we found a house that we both loved, and put an offer in on it. I flew back to Florida with a renewed sense of excitement for the future, and a determination to finish out the second half of our long distance season.

When I said "see you later" to Alex at the airport, I didn't think that I was going to see him in person again until mid June. That assumption turned out to be entirely wrong because one month later on April 14, 2017, Alex surprised me by showing up in Florida at the same place we met to propose! He formerly asked my parents for permission on February 1st, and had his family and friends in on the secret since January. It's the sweetest story, and I can't wait to write out the details.

One of the verses I've always landed back on since I first started praying for my future husband in high school is Psalm 127:1 where it says, "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain." I've seen this verse come to life in the development of our relationship. When Alex joined the military he didn't think that he would meet anybody during that time. He thought that he was committing to singleness for the six years to avoid "dragging" somebody else into the military lifestyle. I never thought that I would end up growing in love with a man that has to leave a lot. BUT GOD. His hand has so clearly built every part of our relationship, and we are humbled and grateful that we get to learn more about this gift of marriage together.  

Creator, not Duplicator & Comparing Stories

Catching the sunset at Jacksonville beach over the weekend. I love watercolor sunsets.

I’m sitting in a corner at Panera in Jacksonville, Florida as I write this. It’s spring break and I came down to see my best friend, Janice, and her hubby. Janice is in class for a few hours so I snuck away with intentions of writing a little and exploring Jacksonville on my own. I’m having the sweetest time adventuring and simply getting to hang out. We go exploring. We bake cookies and dance in the kitchen. We go for beach walks. We talk about anything and everything. We have genuine conversation and I love it. I never imagined when we met in gym class in sixth grade that we would still be building our friendship ten years later. I’ve seen her romance with Stuart, her hubby, grow deep roots. I’ve see how excited she gets when we talk about kids and the future. I could go on and on.

I really want to share my heart and what I’m learning from the Lord right now. Being here has been such a fresh reminder that the Lord is faithful and that Janice’s story is not my story. I love seeing the way that Stuart looks at Jan. I have never seen her as happy as she is when they are together. They laugh and kiss and hold hands in the car. They know each other fully and love each other completely. They are best friends. But above all their marriage is rooted in Christ.

I remember when Janice and I first read When God Writes Your Love Story in tenth grade. We sat on her bedroom floor talking and dreaming. We started to realize just how much the Lord cared about this area of our lives. God isn’t stoic, distant, or detached…He is anything but! We started to realize that the Lord is in the details of all things. He has better stories for us than we could imagine ourselves. We started to dream about the men who would one day become our husbands. We didn’t have to settle. We also started to realize just how intimate our relationships with Jesus could be. The Lord used When God Writes Your Love Story to reveal just how much more He pursues me in a fresh way. Although I had believed in Jesus before that, I hadn’t really thought about how close and real He was. I could and do have a vibrant and life-giving relationship with the Creator of all things.

That revolutionized the way I approached spending time with Jesus. My identity is deeply rooted in Christ. I am a sinner in desperate need of the grace that He covers me in. I am messy and broken, but yet He still pursues me. This continues to draw me to want to know Him more. This year especially I’ve pressed into Jesus in a fresh way. I’ve been genuinely thankful for this season of singleness. My heart hasn’t been distracted and I’ve been given this time to be reminded over and over again that my roots need to be deep in Him. I’ll never be prepared for a future relationship with my man if I’m unaware that my security and significance can only come from being in Christ.

But then I came down to see Janice and Stuart and if I’m being honest I got a little jealous of what they have. I started to wonder when will I meet my man. When will I have someone to grab my hand as we’re walking down the sidewalk. When will I have someone pursue me with intention and honor all the days before and after marriage. When will I get to do everyday life with my best friend. I know that marriage is tough and challenging in a way that I can’t picture now, but I know that it is sacred and beautiful.

It may sound crazy, but I got jealous that I don’t have what Janice has yet. I’ve flashed back to dreaming in tenth grade of the stories that the Lord would orchestrate one day. Now I’ve seen each stage of Janice and Stuart’s relationship grow and develop. I have seen just how faithful the Lord has been with every aspect of their relationship from friendship to dating to engagement and now in marriage.

Sometimes singleness is just plain hard. Especially when I start to compare my story to others and take my eyes off of Jesus. Then I read a quote by Francis Chan that convicted me in the best way possible.

“Be careful not to turn others’ lives into the mold for our own…We have a God who is a Creator, NOT a duplicator.”

Y’all I needed to read that. My story is not Janice’s story and that is a good thing. My story is uniquely my own. The Lord is far too creative to script duplicate stories for anybody. And my goodness I am thankful for that! The Lord is Creator and He is faithful in all of the details. Janice’s story is uniquely scripted just for her by the Lord who loves and pursues her passionately. My story is uniquely scripted for me by the Lord who loves and pursues me passionately.

In Isaiah 43:19, the Lord says “Behold, I am doing a new thing!'” He doesn’t say that He is recycling something old, but that He is doing a NEW thing. That means we each have our own stories tailored just for us by the Lord of infinite creativity!

I am so thankful for how patient Jesus is with me. He is always growing me in the midst of my story. He is faithful. He is close and intimate. I’m beyond excited to meet my man some day soon and see how the Lord scripts every detail; he will be one of my biggest blessings and our marriage one of my greatest joys. BUT the Lord is reminding me that the absolute greatest part of my story is my relationship with Christ. He is the foundation of my story.

My heart pretty much just spilled out on the page as I sit here in Panera watching people come and go. May it remind you that the Lord is Creator and not a duplicator. Happy Monday, sweet friends!

how to pray for your future husband

I keep a journal of letters to my future husband that I’ll give specially to him once we’re married.

I’ve had thoughts of writing this post ever since I read Nicole’s post on how to pray for your boyfriend last year. Even though I’m single, I know there is such value in praying for my man before I even know his name. I had the joy of having one of my best friends here with me last week and I was reminded again how prayers for your future husband are never wasted. You see, she married her best friend and man of her prayers this past January. I know that she would wholeheartedly say that praying for her husband while she was single started to build the foundation for a Christ centered marriage long before they said, “I do.”

As we talked about everything from singleness and dating to marriage and sex, one thing stood out to me: God is faithful. I’ve seen time and time again when you trust God with your love story, it’s always worth the wait. Even though I long to meet my handsome future husband already, I can (and will) purposefully use the time I have now. It says in Proverbs 31:12, “she does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” That means the days before you even meet him! One way I can bring him good now is by praying for him.

Here are the main things I pray for:

1. Pray for his relationship with Christ.

His relationship with Christ is the very foundation and what my other prayers for him rest upon. The Bible warns about being unequally yoked in 2 Corinthians 6:14, “do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” But even more so than him just being a Christian, I pray that he would continually be growing in Christ. I love how Colossians 2:6-7 says, “as you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith…” I pray that he would be a man that seeks Christ daily…that his heart would be to know the Lord more. In the time before we meet (and all the days after), I pray that he will spend time studying the Word, sitting in God’s presence, praying, etc. There’s a huge difference in a man who only knows about the Lord and one who genuinely seeks to know Him intimately. I pray for my future husband to be like the latter.

2. Pray for his character.

Oh I pray that he would have teachable spirit. As it says in Isaiah 64:8, “But now, O Lord, ‘Thou are our Father, We are the clay, and Thou our potter…” A man that recognizes he is on a lifelong journey of growth is a man of character. I pray that he truly would be the man God has called him to be. The way our culture defines “man” is totally different than what scripture teaches. I pray that as a man his masculinity will be modeled after Christ.

3. Pray for his relationships with others.

I primarily focus on his friendships and family, but it’s certainly not limited to those. We were created for relationship and I pray that his would be a source of strength and encouragement. For his friendships with other guys to keep him accountable and point him back to Christ. Like wise, I pray that he would speak truth and be that kind of friend. For his family relationships, I pray that they would be healthy. As he interacts with others, may he be an example of a Christ follower.

4. Pray for him to grow as a servant and as a leader.

One day he will take on the role and responsibility of being the leader. A godly husband is called to be the head of his wife in the same way Christ is the head of the church (Ephesians 5:23). It’s important that he is growing and maturing as a leader before we’re married. I pray that he would be intentional about developing leadership skills in preparation for the role he will take on as husband. I also pray that his heart would be to serve. The leader that God calls a husband to be has a servant’s heart.

Of course my prayers aren’t limited to what I listed above, but I consider those to be the foundation. To my single ladies, how do you pray for your future husband? To my married friends, do you have any advice?

Singleness & Struggles

I want to honest and maybe even a little bit vulnerable with you all about last weekend when I watched one of my best friends marry her best friend. That weekend contained so much joy I thought my heart might burst at one point. It was the sweetest thing to see their love for each other. I remember imagining with Janice that God would write our love stories one day when we were in high school. We sat on the floor of her room and surrendered our love stories to Him. We had no idea then the incredible man she would soon meet! Getting to see God orchestrate every detail of their love story has reminded me over and over again of His faithfulness. And His ways are SO much better and SO much higher.

But after I left the reception that Saturday night, I sat alone in my car and cried. Yes, you read that right. After so much joy, I sat there and cried big puppy dog tears. I had just watched Janice and her husband leave for their honeymoon and all I could think about was “when will it be my turn, Lord?” My heart and mind were racing as the tears fell. A few of my other thoughts were similar to these…

“Lord, this waiting is h-a-r-d!”

“Will a man ever look at me like Stuart looks at Janice?”

“Janice is now married and I’ve never even been asked out on a date!”

“Lord, I truly and deeply know that Your plans are the best…help me to cling to that truth right now.”

“Why can’t I just meet him already??”

“I saw Stuart lean over and tell Janice she was beautiful more than once…will a man ever lean over and tell me that?”

I pulled out of the parking lot wiping away the tears and finally said out loud, “I trust You, Lord.”  With everything that is within me, I know that it is worth the wait. I know that this is truth, but the waiting is still hard.

As I was driving I was reminded of this song and immediately pulled it up. I turned it up loud and sang to the ultimate Lover of my soul. The more I sang my gaze was turned back toward Him.

I found this poem a few days ago and was greatly encouraged by it. I’m not sure who wrote it so if you know please let me know so I can give credit where credit is due. May you be encouraged as well…

I cry Lord, am I loved? I feel so alone…

no lover to hold me, to call me his own.

I long to be romanced and helped through my pain.

Where is my sweet family I long to obtain?

You know the desires and aches of my heart,

yet You seem to dismiss them and set me apart.

On days when the burden seems too much to bear,

what a comfort it would be to have a husband there.

Surely if You cherished me the way that you say,

You would provide me my lover, You’d send him my way…

You say precious child, you I’ve loved your whole life.

Why are you idolizing the role of a wife?

I know the desires of your struggling heart,

for I’ve planned them beautifully; they’re not intended to tear us apart.

I am more than you need, the perfect lover of your soul.

I will romance you far greater than a man’s loving hold.

I care about your heart, every tear that you shed.

Rest in me baby girl; you have nothing to dread.

I have plans for your life, far greater than you can hope for or imagine,

quit selling yourself short in your fear of abandon.

I cry Abba, am I enough? Am I beautiful? Am I strong?

Am I successful? Am I wanted?…am I doing everything wrong?

Every place that I look shouts that women must be more.

Must be promiscuous, must be powerful, must be glamorous, must be adored.

I long to be the woman that your Word tells me to be,

a patient servant, who is loving, who is selfless, who is sweet.

Yet the lies of this world seem to fire into my brain;

I do fight to serve you Father, but fall short again and again.

Will I ever measure up? I’m so selfish, I’m so scarred,

Lord I plead with you to help me, come and heal my struggling heart.

You say daughter, you are lovely, In my image were you formed.

Don’t entertain the lies you hear and quit struggling to conform.

I don’t see you for your faults or mistakes that plague your mind,

Through my grace, you’ve been made perfect, all your sin is left behind,

Through my power you are stronger than you hardly even know

I will use you for my glory, just be willing to surrender and go.

You are valued, you’re adored, I have good things planned for you,

Just keep your eyes on me, and I will pull you through.

I wanted to share with you a glimpse into my heart and I how struggle with singleness sometimes. I don’t want you to think that I never have struggles and exude happiness all the time. This season is hard and challenging, but there is so much more good in it. This time is valuable and not to be wasted. I know that the waiting is not in vain and will be OH SO WORTH IT. Someday I’ll look back at this and smile; I’ll want to whisper to my former self “if you could only know what lies ahead.”

Kitchens are for dancing…

{via}

I had one of the most laid back weekends. All of my roomies were out of town so I had our little apartment all to myself. On Saturday morning, I woke up slowly and soaked in the calmness of the quiet space. As I started to dig into the truth held in Colossians, I pulled up Pandora to play my Billie Holiday station. I felt like I was transported back to a different era as the jazz replaced the quietness. It was wonderful.
 

One day I will dance in the kitchen with my future husby. Whether it’s on a rainy Saturday morning or on a Tuesday night after a long day at work. I want to dance for I am convinced that dancing in the kitchen is one of life’s little joys. It makes you smile in thanksgiving for being alive in that moment.
 

So, future husby, get ready because our kitchen will be a place of joy and dancing.