Singleness & Struggles

I want to honest and maybe even a little bit vulnerable with you all about last weekend when I watched one of my best friends marry her best friend. That weekend contained so much joy I thought my heart might burst at one point. It was the sweetest thing to see their love for each other. I remember imagining with Janice that God would write our love stories one day when we were in high school. We sat on the floor of her room and surrendered our love stories to Him. We had no idea then the incredible man she would soon meet! Getting to see God orchestrate every detail of their love story has reminded me over and over again of His faithfulness. And His ways are SO much better and SO much higher.

But after I left the reception that Saturday night, I sat alone in my car and cried. Yes, you read that right. After so much joy, I sat there and cried big puppy dog tears. I had just watched Janice and her husband leave for their honeymoon and all I could think about was “when will it be my turn, Lord?” My heart and mind were racing as the tears fell. A few of my other thoughts were similar to these…

“Lord, this waiting is h-a-r-d!”

“Will a man ever look at me like Stuart looks at Janice?”

“Janice is now married and I’ve never even been asked out on a date!”

“Lord, I truly and deeply know that Your plans are the best…help me to cling to that truth right now.”

“Why can’t I just meet him already??”

“I saw Stuart lean over and tell Janice she was beautiful more than once…will a man ever lean over and tell me that?”

I pulled out of the parking lot wiping away the tears and finally said out loud, “I trust You, Lord.”  With everything that is within me, I know that it is worth the wait. I know that this is truth, but the waiting is still hard.

As I was driving I was reminded of this song and immediately pulled it up. I turned it up loud and sang to the ultimate Lover of my soul. The more I sang my gaze was turned back toward Him.

I found this poem a few days ago and was greatly encouraged by it. I’m not sure who wrote it so if you know please let me know so I can give credit where credit is due. May you be encouraged as well…

I cry Lord, am I loved? I feel so alone…

no lover to hold me, to call me his own.

I long to be romanced and helped through my pain.

Where is my sweet family I long to obtain?

You know the desires and aches of my heart,

yet You seem to dismiss them and set me apart.

On days when the burden seems too much to bear,

what a comfort it would be to have a husband there.

Surely if You cherished me the way that you say,

You would provide me my lover, You’d send him my way…

You say precious child, you I’ve loved your whole life.

Why are you idolizing the role of a wife?

I know the desires of your struggling heart,

for I’ve planned them beautifully; they’re not intended to tear us apart.

I am more than you need, the perfect lover of your soul.

I will romance you far greater than a man’s loving hold.

I care about your heart, every tear that you shed.

Rest in me baby girl; you have nothing to dread.

I have plans for your life, far greater than you can hope for or imagine,

quit selling yourself short in your fear of abandon.

I cry Abba, am I enough? Am I beautiful? Am I strong?

Am I successful? Am I wanted?…am I doing everything wrong?

Every place that I look shouts that women must be more.

Must be promiscuous, must be powerful, must be glamorous, must be adored.

I long to be the woman that your Word tells me to be,

a patient servant, who is loving, who is selfless, who is sweet.

Yet the lies of this world seem to fire into my brain;

I do fight to serve you Father, but fall short again and again.

Will I ever measure up? I’m so selfish, I’m so scarred,

Lord I plead with you to help me, come and heal my struggling heart.

You say daughter, you are lovely, In my image were you formed.

Don’t entertain the lies you hear and quit struggling to conform.

I don’t see you for your faults or mistakes that plague your mind,

Through my grace, you’ve been made perfect, all your sin is left behind,

Through my power you are stronger than you hardly even know

I will use you for my glory, just be willing to surrender and go.

You are valued, you’re adored, I have good things planned for you,

Just keep your eyes on me, and I will pull you through.

I wanted to share with you a glimpse into my heart and I how struggle with singleness sometimes. I don’t want you to think that I never have struggles and exude happiness all the time. This season is hard and challenging, but there is so much more good in it. This time is valuable and not to be wasted. I know that the waiting is not in vain and will be OH SO WORTH IT. Someday I’ll look back at this and smile; I’ll want to whisper to my former self “if you could only know what lies ahead.”