…..

{Holding on to this truth.}

Good morning, sweet girls! Even though I haven’t been around much in the blogging world lately, I want to share a little of my heart with you this morning. I want to be honest and vulnerable by sharing how I’ve been struggling lately. The last few days it’s been a battle to choose joy. Instead of speaking life, I’ve been speaking death. I’ve let discouragement creep in and turn my gaze away from Christ. Do you remember when I wrote about singleness & struggles at the beginning of the year? Well, in a way I’ve let that struggle return.

Yesterday evening I went out to run with the intention of pounding this discouragement into the ground. With my earphones in and the music turned up I took off running…30 minutes later I found a spot on the side of the river to cool down. I pulled my earphones out and just started to pray. There weren’t many people around and I sat there telling God my heart (although He already knew). There was no hiding that I was sad; that I had given into doubt and anxiousness. I wish I could say that I came home with a totally renewed heart, but I was still holding on to the discouragement. I pulled out my journal when I got home and flipped back to an entry written earlier this year that stopped me immediately. I wanted to share that with you:

Monday, February 4, 2013

Talking about Abraham: “His son by the slave woman was born in the ordinary way; but his son by the free woman was born as the result of a promise.” –Galatian 4:23

“And You fulfill Your promises. When Abraham took issues into his own hands it all became skewed because of manipulation. Ishmael was born in an ordinary way and then division followed. BUT when Sarah and Abraham finally conceived it was the result of a promise. It was Your plan all along. You see the entire narrative and we only see how we are struggling and feeling inadequate in this moment. We only see the circumstances in the “right now,” but You see and know it all. When we see the impossibility of a promise “forgotten,” You see the fulfillment and value in the waiting season. Help me to cling to the promise instead of settling for the ordinary.”

I don’t have many more words to say other than I’m on a constant journey of learning to surrender. I only see what’s in front of me, but He sees the entire story. When doors are shut now it’s because He knows that there’s a far better door ahead that WILL be opened at just the right time. That’s something I’m daily learning.

Singleness & Struggles

I want to honest and maybe even a little bit vulnerable with you all about last weekend when I watched one of my best friends marry her best friend. That weekend contained so much joy I thought my heart might burst at one point. It was the sweetest thing to see their love for each other. I remember imagining with Janice that God would write our love stories one day when we were in high school. We sat on the floor of her room and surrendered our love stories to Him. We had no idea then the incredible man she would soon meet! Getting to see God orchestrate every detail of their love story has reminded me over and over again of His faithfulness. And His ways are SO much better and SO much higher.

But after I left the reception that Saturday night, I sat alone in my car and cried. Yes, you read that right. After so much joy, I sat there and cried big puppy dog tears. I had just watched Janice and her husband leave for their honeymoon and all I could think about was “when will it be my turn, Lord?” My heart and mind were racing as the tears fell. A few of my other thoughts were similar to these…

“Lord, this waiting is h-a-r-d!”

“Will a man ever look at me like Stuart looks at Janice?”

“Janice is now married and I’ve never even been asked out on a date!”

“Lord, I truly and deeply know that Your plans are the best…help me to cling to that truth right now.”

“Why can’t I just meet him already??”

“I saw Stuart lean over and tell Janice she was beautiful more than once…will a man ever lean over and tell me that?”

I pulled out of the parking lot wiping away the tears and finally said out loud, “I trust You, Lord.”  With everything that is within me, I know that it is worth the wait. I know that this is truth, but the waiting is still hard.

As I was driving I was reminded of this song and immediately pulled it up. I turned it up loud and sang to the ultimate Lover of my soul. The more I sang my gaze was turned back toward Him.

I found this poem a few days ago and was greatly encouraged by it. I’m not sure who wrote it so if you know please let me know so I can give credit where credit is due. May you be encouraged as well…

I cry Lord, am I loved? I feel so alone…

no lover to hold me, to call me his own.

I long to be romanced and helped through my pain.

Where is my sweet family I long to obtain?

You know the desires and aches of my heart,

yet You seem to dismiss them and set me apart.

On days when the burden seems too much to bear,

what a comfort it would be to have a husband there.

Surely if You cherished me the way that you say,

You would provide me my lover, You’d send him my way…

You say precious child, you I’ve loved your whole life.

Why are you idolizing the role of a wife?

I know the desires of your struggling heart,

for I’ve planned them beautifully; they’re not intended to tear us apart.

I am more than you need, the perfect lover of your soul.

I will romance you far greater than a man’s loving hold.

I care about your heart, every tear that you shed.

Rest in me baby girl; you have nothing to dread.

I have plans for your life, far greater than you can hope for or imagine,

quit selling yourself short in your fear of abandon.

I cry Abba, am I enough? Am I beautiful? Am I strong?

Am I successful? Am I wanted?…am I doing everything wrong?

Every place that I look shouts that women must be more.

Must be promiscuous, must be powerful, must be glamorous, must be adored.

I long to be the woman that your Word tells me to be,

a patient servant, who is loving, who is selfless, who is sweet.

Yet the lies of this world seem to fire into my brain;

I do fight to serve you Father, but fall short again and again.

Will I ever measure up? I’m so selfish, I’m so scarred,

Lord I plead with you to help me, come and heal my struggling heart.

You say daughter, you are lovely, In my image were you formed.

Don’t entertain the lies you hear and quit struggling to conform.

I don’t see you for your faults or mistakes that plague your mind,

Through my grace, you’ve been made perfect, all your sin is left behind,

Through my power you are stronger than you hardly even know

I will use you for my glory, just be willing to surrender and go.

You are valued, you’re adored, I have good things planned for you,

Just keep your eyes on me, and I will pull you through.

I wanted to share with you a glimpse into my heart and I how struggle with singleness sometimes. I don’t want you to think that I never have struggles and exude happiness all the time. This season is hard and challenging, but there is so much more good in it. This time is valuable and not to be wasted. I know that the waiting is not in vain and will be OH SO WORTH IT. Someday I’ll look back at this and smile; I’ll want to whisper to my former self “if you could only know what lies ahead.”

Divine Romance

Last week I was reminded again that God deeply desires intimacy with me. Not only does He desire it, but He pursues me fiercely. I was in a funk last week and I let myself become numb to this truth. I was overwhelmed with classes and work. Mostly I was struggling with being single.

I didn’t struggle with this over the summer, so I was flustered with myself for being discontent now. It started to creep in when I moved back to school. It seemed like everywhere I looked on campus there was a couple holding hands or making starry eyes at each other. I started to notice how many girls had an engagement ring on their left hand. I wondered when God would bring my guy into my life. With all that’s within me I want God to script every detail of my earthly love story, but part of my heart also longs for His timing to align with mine. I want to have a man after His heart enter my life and pursue me. I want to grow in love with this man who will one day win my heart. These desires aren’t inherently bad because I do believe that God has placed them in my feminine heart. BUT, they were starting to consume my thoughts…they were becoming an idol.

Last week as these longings reached a climax I walked into my bedroom after a long day and saw this…

I was so overwhelmed by the beauty that I sat on my bed and just stared. Although God didn’t audibly speak to me, I felt like He was whispering “I am here. I am pursuing you. Always.” In that moment as the sunset slowly slipped away I was reminded again that I am the bride pursued. I have a divine romance with the same God who has painted every sunset. He pursues me even when I shut myself off from Him. He pursues you just as fiercely.

God woos us...."Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." -Hosea 2:14

God always comes..."Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." -Hosea 6:3

God finds you to be beautiful..."How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves..." -Song of Songs 4:1

God is in love with us..."You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace." -Song of Songs 4:9

God longs for us to spend time with Him...."..Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me." Song of Songs 2:13

I discovered this a few years ago, and it captures what’s on my heart…

“Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone; to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says, "No, not until you satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, and with having intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found; only then will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me. Exclusive of anyone else, exclusive of any other desires or longings, I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. You just wait. That's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see, until you are ready (I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time), until both of you are satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have planned for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me; and this perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love; I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe and be satisfied."

I leave you with this today…I urge you to soak in the lyrics.

Ablaze

I have loved following along with Annie, Nicole, Erin, and Annie this week to learn more about how they have pursued Christ is the midst of singleness, dating, breaking up, and marriage. We are to purposefully pursue Christ no matter what are current relationship status might be. In our hearts we know this is true, but we can easily become distracted. The distractions can vary depending on what season we are in. When we’re single, we wonder when we will meet the godly man we’ve been faithfully praying for. When we’re dating, we can be caught up in our growing romance. When we’re married, our focus changes as we start to live life with this man we promised forever to.

I’m in a season of singleness and I’m going to attempt to share how I pursue Christ in the midst of being single…

{source}

It would be nice if he was already in my life. If I knew the name of the man who I will one day give my heart to. To know the sound of his voice and the way my hand feels securely in his. I go to school at a small Christian university where it seems like half the students are in a relationship. There is always news of a new couple or an engagement. The professors joke about the girls on campus getting a "ring by spring" and that the new chapel was built to promote all the student weddings. I can easily be consumed with longing to be in a relationship that I take my gaze off of Christ.  Part of me longs for the day that I meet him, but the other part is so thankful for this time before he enters my life. There is tremendous beauty and opportunity in this season of singleness.  My attention isn't split and I can diligently pursue Christ without a divided heart. Of course I still have struggles, but I'll face challenges no matter what my relationship status might be. The struggles will just manifest differently.

Here is what I've found helpful in pursuing Christ during this time:

1. Have a focused quiet time every day. I like to have my quiet times in the morning right after I wake up. I don't turn on my computer until I've spent time with the Lord to avoid distractions such as Facebook, Blogger, email, etc. I commit my time to the Lord first.

2. Celebrate with your friends that are in relationships. It's so easy to let bitterness creep in as your friends enter relationships while you remain single. To overcome that I focus on celebrating with them as they grow in their relationships the way that I would want them to celebrate with me one day. I rejoice in the love story that God is scripting for them. By rejecting bitterness, I'm able to keep my gaze on Christ.

3. Approach this season one day at a time. Mosy likely, God has not called you to be single forever and He has a beautiful love story scripted uniquely for you. Leslie Ludy told the story of her sister-in-law's season of singleness in one her books. One day, her sister-in-law, Krissy, was asked whether she thought she was called to singleness, and Krissy responded by saying, "today I am." That comment has stuck with me and I've embraced it as my outlook. I know that God has given me all that I need to live out today.

4. Realize that you have a love story with your heavenly Prince. Even the most beautiful earthly love stories are mere glimpses of the heavenly love story we can have with Him. He is not a stoic or distant God, but a God who pursues and woos His bride. In Sacred Singleness, a young woman shared her realization  of this truth..."Suddenly, with overwhelming clarity, I realized how God felt about me - how much He loved me and longed for me to truly be in love with Him. And instead of dreaming of the marriage vows I hoped to someday share with an earthly prince, the passion of my life began to focus more and more around the vows I should be saying and living daily with my heavenly Prince."

I truly hope this encourages you to pursue Christ in the midst of this season!

If you missed this series, catch up now:
Annie @ What She Saw: on singleness
Nicole @ Bloom: on dating
Erin @ Sweetness Itself: on breaking up/post relational singleness
Annie @ Turning Pages: on marriage